


“I’m sorry, how can I make it up to you?”

by yikesola



Series: fmdin2020 [10]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, Anxiety, Early Days, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:20:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27932164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yikesola/pseuds/yikesola
Summary: Sometimes Dan is really convinced that Phil must hate him.A fic about spirals and unsureness.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: fmdin2020 [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995946
Comments: 7
Kudos: 71





	“I’m sorry, how can I make it up to you?”

**Author's Note:**

> Fic Most Days in November*, Dialogue Prompt: I'm sorry, how can I make it up to you?
> 
> *and yes december too, fight me

Sometimes Dan is really convinced that Phil must hate him. It’s nothing that Phil _does_. It’s just a terrible voice in Dan’s head that tells him to fixate on the potential interpreted tone of a text message, or on the way Phil will make jokes about being single and lonely, or on the thick coat of paint that has always covered every interpersonal relationship he’s had before this. 

And once the spiral starts, it doesn’t stop. 

He’s like an infant with no object permanence. Feels like one too. Or at least like a child, one throwing a tantrum. One screaming _notice me!_ even though Phil has more than noticed him— has befriended him and invited him north and even encouraged him to actually make YouTube videos. 

But Phil’s done that before. With other guys. Made friends with them and made videos and… continued to make single and lonely jokes because he remained single and lonely. 

Dan doesn’t understand how that happened. He doesn’t understand how anyone who ever knew Phil didn’t fall head over heels the way he has. Or, if they had, he doesn’t understand how they ever let Phil slip through their fingers.

Sometimes he thinks that’s what’s happening, or worse yet, what’s already happened. That he’s lost Phil before he ever even had him. After Phil nearly falls asleep while they Skype and they wave goodnight but Dan’s thoughts are moving too quickly to even think of shutting his own eyes. He thinks about how stressed Phil is about what to do now that he’s done with uni and how Phil’s parents expect him to have a job soon. He thinks about how he’s done nothing with his gap year and how isolated he feels from everyone in his life. He thinks about how it must be draining for Phil to hear him whinging considering Phil has his own shit to worry about. He thinks about how other people on the internet make Phil laugh… and how sure sometimes Dan makes Phil laugh too, but that doesn’t mean anything. Or, might not mean anything. 

Phil’s nice. He’s probably the nicest person Dan’s ever known. And the terrible cracked voice tells Dan that Phil’s simply too nice to tell Dan to fuck off. 

When he’s this far into his own head, Dan wouldn’t even be that surprised if Phil did tell him that. But he’s also used to it happening. And he’s also so into Phil that he knows his immediate reaction would be some unsightly groveling. Something like, “I know I’m a lot to deal with. I’m sorry, how can I make it up to you?” as though that’s how any of this works. 

As though he hasn’t already realised that Phil is different. 

Dan hears Bangy’s lumbering footsteps on the stairs. He goes over to his bedroom door to let the old dog in. It’s a little harder for Dan to convince himself that everyone hates him when his first friend lays down in the middle of the room and wags his tail just because he’s happy to be there. 

That helps, some. 

It also helps when Dan wakes up to a text from Phil. _If I perfect medium today will you be proud of me?_

Later, he knows, he’ll spiral over that too. Spiral over whether Phil means the cute little pouts he makes when Dan gives him shit for having no rhythm at Guitar Hero. Spiral over the weird twist in his gut when Phil winks that he’s got rhythm where it counts. Spiral over whether this was a pity text or not. Whether Dan is just some burdensome friendship that Phil got tangled up in or not. 

Spiral until his brain comes all the way back around and admits that’s stupid. Admits that, crazy as it seems, Phil likes him. Phil likes being his friend. Phil wants him around. 

For now, he’s just warm at the thought that Phil wants Dan to be proud of him. Phil thinks Dan is good at video games and also cares what Dan thinks. And that makes the spiral he’d had before getting an unexpected two hours of sleep last night seem pretty null. 

_perfect?!_ Dan texts back, _i’d be proud for above half XD_

_> :] Challenge accepted!_

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading— come say hi on [tumblr](http://yikesola.tumblr.com/post/636826641756291072/im-sorry-how-can-i-make-it-up-to-you) !


End file.
